Checking it out

Going to the supermarket is a generally unpleasant experience, so you need to find ways to alleviate the feelings of rage that are prone to build up when you are forced to make that dreaded trip. Having a foolproof way of amusing yourself as you shop could prevent you from descending into a violent spiral of madness in the dairy produce aisle or taking out your anger on the clueless youth at the deli counter who overfills your pot of olives. I find that casting a critical eye over the contents of other people's trolleys works for me.

When paying for my purchases in an Asda store once, I noticed that the person behind me was loading the conveyor belt with around twenty tins of baked beans. Given their dietary habits, I was glad I wasn't queueing behind them. I worried for the health of the elderly lady who purchased three large cans of hairspray and a bottle of cheap vodka one Saturday night as the boyfriend and I waited patiently behind her at the "baskets only" till, especially as she kept protesting very loudly that the vodka wasn't for her. Standing in the queue in the living hell that was the local Tesco yesterday morning, though, I noticed that the man in front of me had a basket full of goods that seemed to win a prize for the most bizarre collection of purchases ever. A balding, middle-aged chap, he was buying a box of "Mini Milk" ice lollies, a five pack of extra-large tights, some loose bananas and a jar of thousand island dressing. Obviously he was planning to put the tights over his head to conceal his identity and rob a bank, using a carefully disguised banana as a gun substitute, but what on earth was he doing with the lollies and the thousand island dressing?

If you find perusing the purchases of others a little voyeuristic, you can always play a variant of the game. It's immense fun to try and raise a smirk from cashiers by creating your own crazy basketfuls of goods. The weirdest combination of purchases that the boyfriend and I have thus far managed to beep through the checkout is, I think, a pack of ribbed condoms and a jar of pickled beetroot. Since supermarkets are rapidly branching out into electrical goods, clothes and all sorts of other things, the future possibilities are limitless. Heavy duty rubber gloves, courgette and a DVD player? Dyson hoover, thermal vest and some ginger nuts? Cillit bang, sink plunger and a tin of prunes? The choice is yours.